#5 - A Little Too Personal Post

For the past 2 months I have been able to be pregnant again. This was quite a surprise as we were nowhere near "trying" to be pregnant. From previous experience I have taken opportunities of being pregnant as a blessing for as long as I am able to hold a pregnancy because I have had several miscarriages in the past. Most of my pregnancies I lose at 6 weeks, so this time when I had made it past that mark I was starting to feel more hopeful that this one might be the one. The longest I have been able to carry was 9 weeks - my 2nd pregnancy. That was an especially difficult time because I had heard the heartbeat and had finally been able to let down my guard that this might actually work, however, at a routine checkup the heartbeat was no more.

One thing I have learned through my journey to build my family is that Heavenly Father is really in charge. I unfortunately never learned this through my miscarriage trial, but was able to learn this through the process of Madeleine's adoption. I had felt so long that He was not listening to me when I pleaded for a child (we have been in the baby-making business for almost 5 years now). I have since learned that this was terribly untrue. I know now He knew all along my pain and the trials I was enduring and that He had a plan for me. I know He had Madeleine desginated for our family and was waiting for the opportunity to send her to us in the way that would bless us the most, and through adoption our joy was magnified by also having close ties with a loving birth family.

So when we found out about our surprise pregnancy (there have been times when we have tried for a year and not been able to get pregnant), I kept reminding myself that it really is His will and no matter what He loves me. I ended up losing the baby last night. That brings the total to 5 miscarriages. Although the physical pain is great, it has been easier for me to choose. I can choose to wallow in the emotional pain of another terrific loss, or I can choose to realize that Heavenly Father knows the depths of my heart and have faith that He has something greater for me. I choose the second option this time.

This is our personal trial that we have had to endure, I know there are many who suffer with other things, but I do know no matter what the trial Heavenly Father loves each of us individually and has a plan of happiness for all of us. I am grateful that I can now feel my Heavenly Father's love.